Sing Song

To the tune of American Pie!

Not so long ago,
I can still remember how that rugby final made me smile.
And I knew if we had our chance
that we could muller Wales and France
and maybe we'd be happy for a while.
But Saturday made the Aussies shiver
with every point our boys delivered.
Bad news, Mr Gregan;

your coach is worse than Keegan.
I can't remember if I sighed when I watched our Jason score the try.

But something made me howl with pride
the day the Aussies cried.
Say bye bye; go and eat humble pie.
Always beat you when we meet you.
It's no word of a lie.
and England boys will drink their beer through the night
singing "Aussie rugby union is sh*te".
"Aussie rugby union is sh*te".

We stick to the book of rules
and we still make Aussies look like fools.
Everybody knows it's true.

And we do believe in ruck and maul
While Aussies always drop the ball and
can we teach them how to drop real goals.

Well I knew that day you wouldn't win
cos I saw you training in the gym.
You lobbed the ball around
but you didn't make any ground.
Your were a bunch of useless Wallabies
Oh you think you're great but are just wannabe's.

But I knew you'd be on your knees
the day we crushed your pride.
I started singing;
Bye bye, Billy's ours. Gotta gloat:

Off to England; yes, that's ENGLAND.
Don't that stick in your throat.
and Aussie press will have to eat what they wrote.
Singing "Come on, Campo, give us a quote".

"Come on, Campo, give us a quote".
I met a man called Eddy Jones.
His voice was thick with winging tones.
he just cried and moaned all day.

He claimed the English were a bore
but I'd heard that bullshit years before
and the fact was that the Aussies couldn't play.
On the pitch the English roared.
The feeble Aussie pack was floored.

Not a word was spoken.
The Aussie dream was broken.
And the one man that he feared the most,
when England took it to their hosts;
He put the ball right through the posts

the day.........the Aussies.....cried.
And he was singing'

Bye bye, so we both got a try.
It's so boring when your scoring
against rugby's small fry.
And Woodward's boys will drink their beers through the night
singing Kefu, Jones and Gregan are sh*te.
Kefu, Jones and Gregan are sh*te.

Supreme Court Case In Australia

A seven year old Aussie boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama last week when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of the boy.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge awarded custody to his aunt. The boy confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and refused to live there.

When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone.

The judge dramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have custody of him.

Custody was granted to the Aussie rugby team this morning as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone.

Why rugby is definitely worth a try

I read this in the Daily Mail. Brilliant.
I think all rugby players feel this way.

Why rugby is definitely worth a try

With the prospect of rugby fever engulfing the nation and parents deliberating over whether or not they should allow their offspring to participate in what is traditionally seen as a somewhat dangerous sport, may I offer my own perspective?

I played rugby from the age of 11 to 35. I have cauliflower ears, a broken nose, arthritic elbows and a collapsed vertebra that means I will have to take painkillers for the rest of my life. I have cracked ribs and broken fingers more times than I care to remember and stopped playing only when a knee joint demanded either extensive surgery or walking away from the game while I still could walk.

On the other hand, I also received the friendship and camaraderie of some truly wonderful people from all sections of society and from all creeds.
Just as important, I discovered a confidence in myself, engendered by stretching myself both physically and mentally beyond previously unimagined limits.
I learned to enjoy victory (sometimes) and to cope with defeat (many times) without ever losing the urge to compete. I learned teamwork, fair play, integrity, respect and resolution.
I learned the values of life.

So I would say to any parent: have no fears, encourage your children, support them and watch them grow into the people you would like them to be. I have no regrets at all: I loved playing the game, I love watching the game and always will.

Besides, breaking my nose completely cured my sinus problem.

David Branchett
Leyland, Lancs

Instructions to Your Manager

Rules For Work:

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

Study at the University of Missouri

A study at the University of Missouri shows that the type of facial features that a woman finds attractive can differ, depending upon where she is at in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If a woman is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. (Yes that is a Rugby player)

If she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.

Joke of the Day

Dorothy was very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the mortuary to look at her dearly departed & the instant she saw him she started to cry. One of the attendants rushes up to comfort her.

Through her tears she explained that the reason she was so upset was because Albert was wearing a black suit and that it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.

The attendant apologized and explained that they always put the bodies in a black suit as a matter of course but he'd see what he could do. The next day Dorothy returned to the mortuary to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the attendant pulled back the curtain, Dorothy managed to smile through her tears as Albert was now wearing a smart blue suit.

"How did you manage to get hold of that beautiful blue suit?" She asked the attendant.

"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit.
His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the attendant replied.

"After that it was simply a matter of swapping the heads.................."

Royal Institute of Chartered Surveyors

I'm a Professional

I got my APC results today and from the 9th of January 2004 I can call myself a Chartered Quantity Surveyor.

That's... George Ross BSc (Hons) MRICS

Very nice...

Just giving the young boys a chance...

Bush in England

While on his state visit to England, George Bush met The Queen, and he turns round and says: "As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing the way my great country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."

The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

George Bush thought a while and said: "How about a Principality then?"

To which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Bush."

Bush thought long and hard and eventually asked "How about an Empire then?"

The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies "Sorry again, Mr Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."

Before George Bush could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."

ENGLAND RWC 2003

It's the day before one of those life memorable days...

The nerves are building, so I am off to the pub... Slow start this afternoon with a loooonnggg liquid lunch, build up after work and then cane it into the night... the big final at 09:00 (MUST REMEMBER TO WAKE UP... GET TO CLUB FOR 08:00), then an all day session to celebrate a great victory and retribution for 1991.

Below is something I found banding around the e-mails...



Come on ENGLAND!!!

Pink elephants, a drunken dream

Pink elephants, a drunken dream

You know, the funniest thing just happened
I saw an elephant fly
And it was pink all over
I laughed so hard I was afraid I would die

And right behind this elephant
Was a huge amount.. a lots more
Something made me wonder
If pink elephants were declaring war

Still my head was banging
Something I drank last night
I think that's when I first saw the elephants
But somehow it all seems right

But still, pink elephants fly
Around and around in my head
And for some funny reason
My tongue seems to be dead

And how come that damn sparrow
Can make such a lot of noise?
Maybe this is a silly dream
Pink elephants are my childrens toys

I swear I'll never drink again
Not for the rest of my life
And even if I wanted to
I'm grounded by my wife

Subject: Philosophy 101

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks about 2" in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full and they agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of small pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full and they agreed it was.
The professor then picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
"Now, I want you to recognise that this is your life", said the professor.
"The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children; things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car.
The sand is everything else. The small stuff.
If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that really matter.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the waste disposal.
Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand".

But then ...

A student took the jar which all the other students and the professor had agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer.
Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

The moral of this tale is ....

That no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER.

Prayer

Our Lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be they drink,
Thy will be drunk.
At home as in the tavern,
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer,
The bitter and the lager,
Forever and ever,
Barmen.

The Bunny and the Snake

Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
'It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."
'Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail.
I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
'Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.
I'd say you must be French"

The National Anthem

God save our gracious Queen,
Long live our noble Queen,
God save the Queen!
Send her victorious,
Happy and Glorious,
Long to reign over us;
God save the Queen!

O Lord our God arise,
Scatter her enemies
And make them fall;
Confound their politics,
Frustrate their knavish tricks,
On Thee our hopes we fix,
Oh, save us all!

Thy choicest gifts in store
On her be pleased to pour;
Long may she reign;
May she defend our laws,
And ever give us cause
To sing with heart and voice,
God save the Queen!

Not in this land alone,
But be God's mercies known,
From shore to shore!
Lord make the nations see,
That men should brothers be,
And form one family,
The wide world over

From every latent foe,
From the assassins blow,
God save the Queen!
O'er her thine arm extend,
For Britain's sake defend,
Our mother, prince, and friend,
God save the Queen!

! ! ! COME ON ! ! !

Pick on the French again...

The following advisory for American travellers heading for France was compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centre for Disease Control and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about.
It is intended as a guide for American travellers only and no guarantee of accuracy is ensured or intended.

General Overview

France is a medium-sized foreign country situated on the continent of Europe, and is for all intents and purposes (censored) useless. It is an important member of the world community, although not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence or shopping opportunities. France is a very old country with many treasures such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to Western civilisation are champagne, Camembert cheese, the guillotine, and body odour. Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people wilfully persist in speaking French, although many will speak English if shouted at repeatedly.

The People

France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously over sexed and have no concept of standing patiently in line. The French people are generally gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof and undisciplined; those are their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, although you'd hardly guess it from their behaviour. Many people are Communists and topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie and they kiss each other when they hand out medals. American travellers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colourful pants for easier mutual recognition. All French women have small tits, and don't shave their armpits or their legs.

Safety

In general, France is a safe destination, although travellers are advised that France is occasionally invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the visitors generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the French government to flee to London.

History

France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport. The French armies of the past have had their asses kicked by just about every other country in the world.

Government

The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously and always result in a run-off. For administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts, municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths and floor tiles. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (although, confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom can be trusted. Parliament's principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific and acting indignant when anyone complains. According to the most current State Department intelligence, the current President is someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.

Culture

The French pride themselves on their culture, although it is not easy to see why. All of their songs sound the same and they have hardly ever made a movie that you want to watch for anything except the nude scenes. Nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel (except perhaps an evening with a French family.)

Cuisine

Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent although it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. American travellers are therefore advised to stick to cheeseburgers at McDonald's or the restaurants at the leading hotels such as Sheraton or Holiday Inn. Bring your own beer, as the domestic varieties are nothing but a poor excuse for such.

Economy

France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's economy in Europe, which is surprising since people hardly ever work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-calibre weaponry, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.

Conclusion

France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if French people didn't inhabit it, and it weren't still radioactive from all the nuclear tests they run. The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not Germany. Remember no one ordered you to go abroad.

Signs Found in the UK

Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
’Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.’

In a Laundromat:
’Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.’

In a London department store:
’Bargain Basement upstairs.’

In an office:
’Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.’

In an office:
’After tea breaks staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.'

Outside a secondhand shop:
’We exchange anything – bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?’

Notice in health food shop window:
‘Closed due to illness.'

Spotted in a safari park:
’Elephants, please stay in your car.'

Seen during a conference:
‘For anyone who has children and doesn’t know it, there is day care on the first floor.'

Notice in a field:
’The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.’

Message on a leaflet:
’If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.'

On a repair shop door:
'We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door, the bell doesn’t work).’

Inspirational Posters For The Cubicle Era

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

Doing a job right the first time gets the job done. Doing the job wrong fourteen time gives you job security.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

Plagiarism saves time.

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

We waste time, so you don't have to.

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

Succeed in spite of management.

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Styles For Better Management

1) MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THAN THE EMPLOYEES
These kind of managers you will always see in the corridor, ten steps away. "We'll have to talk" you can hear them say, just as they have disappeared around the corner.

2) MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW
These managers you usually meet with their backside faced to you with their hands in their pockets. When you talk to them, their thoughts keep staring out of the windows.

3) MANAGING BY POST-IT'S
Some managers forget everything. They want to impress you with their 'busy’-ness by continuously writing on Post-it's while you are talking.

4) MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY
These managers just delegate everything to the secretary. If he is good, he knows what she must do.

5) MANAGING BY KNOWING NOTHING
These managers don't really know anything at all. They let YOU give answers. Meanwhile they fill the time with nice anecdotes of irrelevant cases.

6) MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING
These people try to explain the present from a theoretical view of the far future. The idea that this never will work, completely satisfies them: They will always have something to talk about.

7) MANAGING BY HIDING INFORMATION
Information hiders are aware of the market value of strictly secret kept information. You must be very thankful to get any information at all. Beware of simulants from category 5!

8) MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS
These managers prevent their bosses from creative thinking. Else they got more work to do.

9) MANAGING BY WALKING ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS
In hierarchical organizations you can watch those groups walking in the corridor. The more equal managers are directly followed by the lesser equal managers, and so on.

10) MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS
If you drink beer with them, lunch with them, smile to them and also wear nice suits, nothing can stop your career anymore.

11) MANAGING BY STUDYING
Despite their continual attendances of all kind of studies and congresses, they still belong to category 5. The longer they learn, the further they get from the practice.

12) MANAGING BY CREATING VAGUE OVERHEAD SHEETS
Do you know them? Those sheets with some big arrows, boxes or circles? These sheets provide the ultimate proof of their overall brilliance.

13) MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR AND EMPTY ROOM
This is a major improvement of the older 'OPEN DOOR' management style. Now you can really walk in and out anytime you want. Nobody ever knows where these managers are.

14) MANAGING BY SPEAKING WITH OTHER MANAGERS
This kind of managing is very popular. It will give them within a few hours the same information as an employee can tell them in 15 minutes.

15) MANAGING BY HAVING A NON SUPPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE
In an organization with a hopeless infrastructure, managers are really necessary. These managers will naturally prevent the organization from having a better infrastructure.

16) BUA MANAGEMENT ( BY USING ABBREVIATIONS )
This management style is ATRASACWOC. (Adopted To Reach A Shorter And Clearer Way Of Communication)

17) MANAGING BY USING BUZZ WORDS
These managers like to bluff your head off with hip, nearly undefined terms.

18) MANAGING BY REORGANISATION
If they think there is nothing more to organize, they reorganise.

19) MANAGING BY BELIEVING
These managers must be spiritual educated, because they have no clues at all.

20) MANAGING BY FORGETTING PROMISES
If you remind them to one of their promises, the priority of that promise is too low to remember.

Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work

The Astaire
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear The Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the shitter can shit in peace.

The Camo-Cough
A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a Watermelon or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an Astaire.

Courtesy Flush
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the shit log hits the water and the shit is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the shit has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the Walk of Shame.

Crack Whore
A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Telltale signs of a Crack Whore include pubes, piss stains and shit streaks. Avoid a Crack Whore at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget with a good cleaning, a Crack Whore can become a Safe Haven.

Escapee
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing shit in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic and embarrassment, similar to the hot flush you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an Escapee; it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

Fly By
The act of scouting out a bathroom before shitting. Walk in, check for other shitters. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a Frequent Flyer. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

Havana Omelette
A load of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough Astaire.

Jailbreak (Used in conjunction with Escapee)
When forcing a shit, several farts slip out at a machine-gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic; remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

Out-of-the-Closet-Shitter
A colleague who shits at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out-of-the-Closet-Shitter enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out-of-the-Closet-Shitter before entering the bathroom.

Shitting Friends Network
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency shitting goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out-of-the-Closet-Shitters and identify Safe Havens

Safe Haven
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a shitter of your sex entering the bathroom.

Turd Burglars
A shitter who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

Uncle Ted
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

Walk of Shame
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a Courtesy Flush

Watermelon
A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See Camo-Cough.

Sacre Bleu the French!

What is the difference between Frenchmen and toast?
You can make soldiers out of toast

Going to war without the French is like going deer-hunting without an accordion.

What do you call a Frenchmen advancing on Iraq?
A salesman

Why was Jesus not born in France?
Because they could not find three wise men nor a virgin

How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, he stands on a ladder and waits for the world to revolve around him.

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
Philippe Flop

What is the best thing about Britain's relationship with France?
The English channel

In the heat of battle, one brave French soldier followed an order from his commanding officer and, under heavy fire from the enemy, managed to retrieve a despatch case from a dead soldier.
When he returned to HQ, the officer told him: "I', recommending you for a medal after the way you risked your life to save those secret maps showing the location of our secret warehouses".
"Warehouses?" replied the soldier. "Sacre bleu. I thought you said whorehouses".

Ninety-nine per cent of French politicians give the rest a bad name.

Advert: French rifle for sale - never fired and dropped only once.

Did you hear about the Parisian who tried to kill himself by jumping into the river?
He was declared to be "in Seine"

What do you call a Frenchman who expects sex on the second date?
Slow

An American tourist was being shown around Notre Dame cathedral in Paris.
The guide pointed to a grand monument and said: "There lies a great French statesman and a hero"
"That's interesting," commented the American, "I never knew that in France you buried two men in the same grave".

Why do the French not want to bomb Saddam?
Because he hates America, has a silly moustache, wear a beret and keeps a string of mistresses.

What's the definition of confusion?
Father's day in Paris

Why do the French eat snails?
Because they hate fast food

What is the Frenchman's favourite morning routine?
After making love, he gets up, dresses, has breakfast - and then heads home.

Recently a Frenchman in Lyon, went to his local priest and confessed: "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During World War II, I hid a Jewish man in my attic."
"That wasn't a sin. It was an act of great kindness," replied the priest.
"But I made him agree to pay me 30 francs for every week he stayed,"
"Well, that was not especially charitable," said the priest "but you did it for a good cause."
"Thank you Father," said the Frenchman "that is a great relief to me. I have just one more question."
"And what is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him that the war is over?"

Useful Phrases To Use If Traveling in Pakistan

AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN.
Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

FEKR GABUL CRADAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR.
I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.

AUTO ARREREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH HAST.
It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.

FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN.
If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.

MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLEIEH, GHORBAN.
The red blindfold will be lovely, excellency.

TIEKH NUNEH OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM.
The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.

Inner Peace

Inner Peace

I'm passing this along to you, because it's definitely working for me.
I think I have found inner peace.
I recently read an article that said the best way to achieve inner peace is to FINISH things I had started.

So, today I finished two large bags of potato chips, a chocolate pie, a fifth of Jack Daniel's, a small box of chocolate candy, and I slapped the living shit out of someone I have never liked.
I feel better already.

How to be politically correct...

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

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HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He is not a BAD DANCER - He is RHYTHMICALLY CAUCASIAN.
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED