Whey, the boys John and Simon came down to London for a weekend on the beers and a bit of a catch up, well over due to...
Drank Friday, Saturday and then Church Sunday...
Boys what's up?
Sunday, December 18, 2005
Hook Up
Whey, the boys John and Simon came down to London for a weekend on the beers and a bit of a catch up, well over due to...
Drank Friday, Saturday and then Church Sunday...
Boys what's up?
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Genuine housing complaints!
Genuine housing complaints!
These are genuine clips from British Council flat tenants complaining to the Council about problems with their flats !!
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
5. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
6. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour & not fit to drink.
16. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
17. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
18. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
19. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
20. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Today's Effort
An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening.
After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified.
He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.
Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT".
IIt just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.
"And now you sir?" he asked the second man.
"Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed."
He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.
Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA."
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already sh!t in my pants.
HE GOT THE JOB
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already sh!t in my pants.
HE GOT THE JOB
Monday, May 16, 2005
National Surveyors Sevens
Great weather, good food and plenty of drink made for another great tournament.
Sadly on the rugby front we under achieved. A squad full of potential failed to gel quickly enough.
A great day with fun had by all.
Feel rubbish now.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Who should I vote for?
Who should I vote for?
Your expected outcome:
ConservativeYour actual outcome:
Labour -9  | |
 Conservative 14 | |
| Liberal Democrat -6 | |
| UK Independence Party -3 | |
| Green -32 |
You should vote: Conservative
The Conservative Party is strongly against joining the Euro and against greater use of taxation to fund public services. The party broadly supported the Iraq war and backs greater policing and ID cards. The Tories are against increasing the minimum wage above the rate of inflation, and have committed to abolishing university tuition fees. They support 'virtual vouchers' for private education.
Take the test at Who Should You Vote For
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
Amusing Product Safety Tips
On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning Keep out of children.
On Marks & Spencer's bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boots' Childrens' Cough Medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
On the bottom of Tesco's Tirimisu dessert: Do not turn upside down.
On Nytol (a sleep aid): Warning May cause drowsiness.
On a string of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
On Sainsburys' peanuts: Warning Contains nuts.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions Open packet, eat nuts.
On a packet of Sunmaid raisins: Why not try tossing over your favourite breakfast cereal?
On German headphones: Do not increase volume past threshold of pain.
On V-tech phone: Electronics, like people, sometimes get confused.
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning Keep out of children.
On Marks & Spencer's bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boots' Childrens' Cough Medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
On the bottom of Tesco's Tirimisu dessert: Do not turn upside down.
On Nytol (a sleep aid): Warning May cause drowsiness.
On a string of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
On Sainsburys' peanuts: Warning Contains nuts.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions Open packet, eat nuts.
On a packet of Sunmaid raisins: Why not try tossing over your favourite breakfast cereal?
On German headphones: Do not increase volume past threshold of pain.
On V-tech phone: Electronics, like people, sometimes get confused.
The Meaning of Life (Part 2)
MR POPSICLE AND INSPECTOR UNNECESSARY-VIOLENCE SEARCH FOR THE MEANING OF LIFE
The call had come. Mr Popsicle and Inspector Unnecessary-Violence of the Australian Royal Security Establishment were about to tackle their most difficult case yet. It wasn't just the trickiness of the handle, it was the uncracked combination on the locks, too. And as for the little wheels on the bottom, they were downright diabolical.
Nevertheless, and neverthemore, (and neverthetwainshallmeet), the call came through to the ARSE office. And it called "Hello! How are you today? We want you to go on a mission to help save the world. We want you to discover THE MEANING OF LIFE. And we don't mean the movie. This is a quest co-ordinated by the Earth Summit in Rio.
We originally offered it to the CIA, but they said they'd rather be being subversively right wing in Third World countries such as Ethiopia, Pakistan, Australia and Kansas.
So, it falls to you, the men and wo...oh, well, just the men of ARSE, I suppose - to discover, for the whole of humanity, the meaning of life. Can you do it?"
"Well, we'll give it a whiz", replied Popsicle. So they did. Popsicle and the Inspector went down, as they always did, to the ARSE laboratory, to check with Doc Wedge about the meaning of life, and discovered it to be quite a little mystery they had got themselves into.
The Doctor was conducting research involving small furry little cutesy animals, cosmetics, bits of string, and deafening noises. But for the purposes of experimentation, he used substitutes, these being small furry little cutesy animals, cosmetics, bits of string, and the three able-bodied members of Megabogue, whose talking alone was generally enough to be not only damaging to the ears, but to the brain as well. But from behind the especially constructed completely and utterly soundproof walls, it was only mildly deafening.
Doc Wedge shouted above the din for a while before giving up and using semaphore. He told Popsicle and the Inspector of the great mysteries of life, the wonder of creation, and all that stuff, and advised them to sod off so he could get on with the experiments before the government inspection team arrived.
They went back to their office, and Popsicle, having been on a deep and meaningful fully frontal opalescentally and psychologically valid management course, took out a dictionary and a marker pen and worked out the essence of their task on the white-board. Which, by the time he had finished three days later, read as follows:
The inner, symbolic, or true interpretation, value, or message belonging to the state or quality that distinguishes living beings from dead ones, characterised chiefly by metabolism, growth, and the ability to reproduce and respond to stimuli
This confused Popsicle somewhat, especially the last bit which had a lot of long words. But Inspector Unnecessary-Violence was on the ball. He wasn't confused one little bit, which was because he'd gone to the toilet. But when he got back, he had a brilliant idea, even if he said so himself, which he did.
This proclaimed brilliant idea, which was so proclaimed by all of him, was to visit the visiting visitor from the very far east (the western half of Wrangel Island in fact - you can't get much further east than that). The visiting visitor was none other than Doctor Ligneous Demagogue-Ophthalmia, well known expert on all things meep and deaningful.
So, Popsicle, using his karate skills, three bananas, a gun and a loose haddock, managed to get an audience with the mysterious and small Doctor Demagogue-Ophthalmia, (who, for the purposes of saving precious letters in this issue of S.H.I.T., will from here on be known as "Doctor D"), between two of his lectures at some of the widespread communal centres and shopping precincts in the city.
These had been built in the late sixties by the Hippie Haven Holism Corporation, which had proclaimed that it would bring a new experience in, like, really good vibes when dudes like get the stuff, you know?
So, Popsicle and the ever-increasingly-sceptical Inspector managed to talk to Doctor D in his speeding limousine VW:
POPSICLE: Good evening Doctor. I wonder if my colleague and I might have a word with you.
DOCTOR D: Certainly officer. Though I must warn you, my solicitor is only an international phone-call away, and that I have managed to con someone in your government into giving me diplomatic immunity.
INSPECTOR: Listen weasel, you don't fuckin' get a fuckin' brief until we've said so, right? So cough up. Punk.
POPSICLE: No no Doctor. We're hoping you might be able to help us.
INSPECTOR: So give us the names, Liggy. Otherwise you're goin' down for everything. Do yourself a favour. Mick and Jim don't owe you nothin'.
DOCTOR D: Really Mr Popsicle. I - driver, accelerate past those hitchhikers will you? Try and get some of that puddle in their faces - Mr Popsicle, I'm not sure I can help you.
POPSICLE: All we want to know, Doctor, is the meaning of life.
INSPECTOR: So give us the meaning now, creep, and we'll put in a good word.
DOCTOR D: Oh, well, if that's all it is. I'll tell you. Come closer. And listen carefully. For I shall reveal to you that which I have told my many followers, who are all so high they haven't got around to telling anyone else about it. The meaning of life is sought by many, and but a few have the real knowledge- that which I am about to reveal to you. Gentlemen, the inner, symbolic, or true interpretation, value, or message belonging to the state or quality that distinguishes living beings from dead ones, characterised chiefly by metabolism, growth, and the ability to reproduce and respond to stimuli is
The call had come. Mr Popsicle and Inspector Unnecessary-Violence of the Australian Royal Security Establishment were about to tackle their most difficult case yet. It wasn't just the trickiness of the handle, it was the uncracked combination on the locks, too. And as for the little wheels on the bottom, they were downright diabolical.
Nevertheless, and neverthemore, (and neverthetwainshallmeet), the call came through to the ARSE office. And it called "Hello! How are you today? We want you to go on a mission to help save the world. We want you to discover THE MEANING OF LIFE. And we don't mean the movie. This is a quest co-ordinated by the Earth Summit in Rio.
We originally offered it to the CIA, but they said they'd rather be being subversively right wing in Third World countries such as Ethiopia, Pakistan, Australia and Kansas.
So, it falls to you, the men and wo...oh, well, just the men of ARSE, I suppose - to discover, for the whole of humanity, the meaning of life. Can you do it?"
"Well, we'll give it a whiz", replied Popsicle. So they did. Popsicle and the Inspector went down, as they always did, to the ARSE laboratory, to check with Doc Wedge about the meaning of life, and discovered it to be quite a little mystery they had got themselves into.
The Doctor was conducting research involving small furry little cutesy animals, cosmetics, bits of string, and deafening noises. But for the purposes of experimentation, he used substitutes, these being small furry little cutesy animals, cosmetics, bits of string, and the three able-bodied members of Megabogue, whose talking alone was generally enough to be not only damaging to the ears, but to the brain as well. But from behind the especially constructed completely and utterly soundproof walls, it was only mildly deafening.
Doc Wedge shouted above the din for a while before giving up and using semaphore. He told Popsicle and the Inspector of the great mysteries of life, the wonder of creation, and all that stuff, and advised them to sod off so he could get on with the experiments before the government inspection team arrived.
They went back to their office, and Popsicle, having been on a deep and meaningful fully frontal opalescentally and psychologically valid management course, took out a dictionary and a marker pen and worked out the essence of their task on the white-board. Which, by the time he had finished three days later, read as follows:
The inner, symbolic, or true interpretation, value, or message belonging to the state or quality that distinguishes living beings from dead ones, characterised chiefly by metabolism, growth, and the ability to reproduce and respond to stimuli
This confused Popsicle somewhat, especially the last bit which had a lot of long words. But Inspector Unnecessary-Violence was on the ball. He wasn't confused one little bit, which was because he'd gone to the toilet. But when he got back, he had a brilliant idea, even if he said so himself, which he did.
This proclaimed brilliant idea, which was so proclaimed by all of him, was to visit the visiting visitor from the very far east (the western half of Wrangel Island in fact - you can't get much further east than that). The visiting visitor was none other than Doctor Ligneous Demagogue-Ophthalmia, well known expert on all things meep and deaningful.
So, Popsicle, using his karate skills, three bananas, a gun and a loose haddock, managed to get an audience with the mysterious and small Doctor Demagogue-Ophthalmia, (who, for the purposes of saving precious letters in this issue of S.H.I.T., will from here on be known as "Doctor D"), between two of his lectures at some of the widespread communal centres and shopping precincts in the city.
These had been built in the late sixties by the Hippie Haven Holism Corporation, which had proclaimed that it would bring a new experience in, like, really good vibes when dudes like get the stuff, you know?
So, Popsicle and the ever-increasingly-sceptical Inspector managed to talk to Doctor D in his speeding limousine VW:
POPSICLE: Good evening Doctor. I wonder if my colleague and I might have a word with you.
DOCTOR D: Certainly officer. Though I must warn you, my solicitor is only an international phone-call away, and that I have managed to con someone in your government into giving me diplomatic immunity.
INSPECTOR: Listen weasel, you don't fuckin' get a fuckin' brief until we've said so, right? So cough up. Punk.
POPSICLE: No no Doctor. We're hoping you might be able to help us.
INSPECTOR: So give us the names, Liggy. Otherwise you're goin' down for everything. Do yourself a favour. Mick and Jim don't owe you nothin'.
DOCTOR D: Really Mr Popsicle. I - driver, accelerate past those hitchhikers will you? Try and get some of that puddle in their faces - Mr Popsicle, I'm not sure I can help you.
POPSICLE: All we want to know, Doctor, is the meaning of life.
INSPECTOR: So give us the meaning now, creep, and we'll put in a good word.
DOCTOR D: Oh, well, if that's all it is. I'll tell you. Come closer. And listen carefully. For I shall reveal to you that which I have told my many followers, who are all so high they haven't got around to telling anyone else about it. The meaning of life is sought by many, and but a few have the real knowledge- that which I am about to reveal to you. Gentlemen, the inner, symbolic, or true interpretation, value, or message belonging to the state or quality that distinguishes living beings from dead ones, characterised chiefly by metabolism, growth, and the ability to reproduce and respond to stimuli is
Sunday, February 27, 2005
Little Patrick
For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is £280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a £280,000 mortgage & no f*cking bike!"
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is £280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a £280,000 mortgage & no f*cking bike!"
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