The Meaning of Life (Part 2)

MR POPSICLE AND INSPECTOR UNNECESSARY-VIOLENCE SEARCH FOR THE MEANING OF LIFE

The call had come. Mr Popsicle and Inspector Unnecessary-Violence of the Australian Royal Security Establishment were about to tackle their most difficult case yet. It wasn't just the trickiness of the handle, it was the uncracked combination on the locks, too. And as for the little wheels on the bottom, they were downright diabolical.

Nevertheless, and neverthemore, (and neverthetwainshallmeet), the call came through to the ARSE office. And it called "Hello! How are you today? We want you to go on a mission to help save the world. We want you to discover THE MEANING OF LIFE. And we don't mean the movie. This is a quest co-ordinated by the Earth Summit in Rio.

We originally offered it to the CIA, but they said they'd rather be being subversively right wing in Third World countries such as Ethiopia, Pakistan, Australia and Kansas.

So, it falls to you, the men and wo...oh, well, just the men of ARSE, I suppose - to discover, for the whole of humanity, the meaning of life. Can you do it?"

"Well, we'll give it a whiz", replied Popsicle. So they did. Popsicle and the Inspector went down, as they always did, to the ARSE laboratory, to check with Doc Wedge about the meaning of life, and discovered it to be quite a little mystery they had got themselves into.

The Doctor was conducting research involving small furry little cutesy animals, cosmetics, bits of string, and deafening noises. But for the purposes of experimentation, he used substitutes, these being small furry little cutesy animals, cosmetics, bits of string, and the three able-bodied members of Megabogue, whose talking alone was generally enough to be not only damaging to the ears, but to the brain as well. But from behind the especially constructed completely and utterly soundproof walls, it was only mildly deafening.

Doc Wedge shouted above the din for a while before giving up and using semaphore. He told Popsicle and the Inspector of the great mysteries of life, the wonder of creation, and all that stuff, and advised them to sod off so he could get on with the experiments before the government inspection team arrived.

They went back to their office, and Popsicle, having been on a deep and meaningful fully frontal opalescentally and psychologically valid management course, took out a dictionary and a marker pen and worked out the essence of their task on the white-board. Which, by the time he had finished three days later, read as follows:

The inner, symbolic, or true interpretation, value, or message belonging to the state or quality that distinguishes living beings from dead ones, characterised chiefly by metabolism, growth, and the ability to reproduce and respond to stimuli

This confused Popsicle somewhat, especially the last bit which had a lot of long words. But Inspector Unnecessary-Violence was on the ball. He wasn't confused one little bit, which was because he'd gone to the toilet. But when he got back, he had a brilliant idea, even if he said so himself, which he did.

This proclaimed brilliant idea, which was so proclaimed by all of him, was to visit the visiting visitor from the very far east (the western half of Wrangel Island in fact - you can't get much further east than that). The visiting visitor was none other than Doctor Ligneous Demagogue-Ophthalmia, well known expert on all things meep and deaningful.

So, Popsicle, using his karate skills, three bananas, a gun and a loose haddock, managed to get an audience with the mysterious and small Doctor Demagogue-Ophthalmia, (who, for the purposes of saving precious letters in this issue of S.H.I.T., will from here on be known as "Doctor D"), between two of his lectures at some of the widespread communal centres and shopping precincts in the city.

These had been built in the late sixties by the Hippie Haven Holism Corporation, which had proclaimed that it would bring a new experience in, like, really good vibes when dudes like get the stuff, you know?

So, Popsicle and the ever-increasingly-sceptical Inspector managed to talk to Doctor D in his speeding limousine VW:

POPSICLE: Good evening Doctor. I wonder if my colleague and I might have a word with you.

DOCTOR D: Certainly officer. Though I must warn you, my solicitor is only an international phone-call away, and that I have managed to con someone in your government into giving me diplomatic immunity.

INSPECTOR: Listen weasel, you don't fuckin' get a fuckin' brief until we've said so, right? So cough up. Punk.

POPSICLE: No no Doctor. We're hoping you might be able to help us.

INSPECTOR: So give us the names, Liggy. Otherwise you're goin' down for everything. Do yourself a favour. Mick and Jim don't owe you nothin'.

DOCTOR D: Really Mr Popsicle. I - driver, accelerate past those hitchhikers will you? Try and get some of that puddle in their faces - Mr Popsicle, I'm not sure I can help you.

POPSICLE: All we want to know, Doctor, is the meaning of life.

INSPECTOR: So give us the meaning now, creep, and we'll put in a good word.

DOCTOR D: Oh, well, if that's all it is. I'll tell you. Come closer. And listen carefully. For I shall reveal to you that which I have told my many followers, who are all so high they haven't got around to telling anyone else about it. The meaning of life is sought by many, and but a few have the real knowledge- that which I am about to reveal to you. Gentlemen, the inner, symbolic, or true interpretation, value, or message belonging to the state or quality that distinguishes living beings from dead ones, characterised chiefly by metabolism, growth, and the ability to reproduce and respond to stimuli is