God save our gracious Queen,
Long live our noble Queen,
God save the Queen!
Send her victorious,
Happy and Glorious,
Long to reign over us;
God save the Queen!
O Lord our God arise,
Scatter her enemies
And make them fall;
Confound their politics,
Frustrate their knavish tricks,
On Thee our hopes we fix,
Oh, save us all!
Thy choicest gifts in store
On her be pleased to pour;
Long may she reign;
May she defend our laws,
And ever give us cause
To sing with heart and voice,
God save the Queen!
Not in this land alone,
But be God's mercies known,
From shore to shore!
Lord make the nations see,
That men should brothers be,
And form one family,
The wide world over
From every latent foe,
From the assassins blow,
God save the Queen!
O'er her thine arm extend,
For Britain's sake defend,
Our mother, prince, and friend,
God save the Queen!
! ! ! COME ON ! ! !
Thursday, March 13, 2003
Wednesday, March 12, 2003
Pick on the French again...
The following advisory for American travellers heading for France was compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centre for Disease Control and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about.
It is intended as a guide for American travellers only and no guarantee of accuracy is ensured or intended.
General Overview
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated on the continent of Europe, and is for all intents and purposes (censored) useless. It is an important member of the world community, although not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence or shopping opportunities. France is a very old country with many treasures such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to Western civilisation are champagne, Camembert cheese, the guillotine, and body odour. Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people wilfully persist in speaking French, although many will speak English if shouted at repeatedly.
The People
France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously over sexed and have no concept of standing patiently in line. The French people are generally gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof and undisciplined; those are their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, although you'd hardly guess it from their behaviour. Many people are Communists and topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie and they kiss each other when they hand out medals. American travellers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colourful pants for easier mutual recognition. All French women have small tits, and don't shave their armpits or their legs.
Safety
In general, France is a safe destination, although travellers are advised that France is occasionally invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the visitors generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the French government to flee to London.
History
France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport. The French armies of the past have had their asses kicked by just about every other country in the world.
Government
The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously and always result in a run-off. For administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts, municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths and floor tiles. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (although, confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom can be trusted. Parliament's principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific and acting indignant when anyone complains. According to the most current State Department intelligence, the current President is someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.
Culture
The French pride themselves on their culture, although it is not easy to see why. All of their songs sound the same and they have hardly ever made a movie that you want to watch for anything except the nude scenes. Nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel (except perhaps an evening with a French family.)
Cuisine
Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent although it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. American travellers are therefore advised to stick to cheeseburgers at McDonald's or the restaurants at the leading hotels such as Sheraton or Holiday Inn. Bring your own beer, as the domestic varieties are nothing but a poor excuse for such.
Economy
France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's economy in Europe, which is surprising since people hardly ever work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-calibre weaponry, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.
Conclusion
France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if French people didn't inhabit it, and it weren't still radioactive from all the nuclear tests they run. The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not Germany. Remember no one ordered you to go abroad.
It is intended as a guide for American travellers only and no guarantee of accuracy is ensured or intended.
General Overview
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated on the continent of Europe, and is for all intents and purposes (censored) useless. It is an important member of the world community, although not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence or shopping opportunities. France is a very old country with many treasures such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to Western civilisation are champagne, Camembert cheese, the guillotine, and body odour. Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people wilfully persist in speaking French, although many will speak English if shouted at repeatedly.
The People
France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously over sexed and have no concept of standing patiently in line. The French people are generally gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof and undisciplined; those are their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, although you'd hardly guess it from their behaviour. Many people are Communists and topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie and they kiss each other when they hand out medals. American travellers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colourful pants for easier mutual recognition. All French women have small tits, and don't shave their armpits or their legs.
Safety
In general, France is a safe destination, although travellers are advised that France is occasionally invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the visitors generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the French government to flee to London.
History
France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport. The French armies of the past have had their asses kicked by just about every other country in the world.
Government
The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously and always result in a run-off. For administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts, municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths and floor tiles. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (although, confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom can be trusted. Parliament's principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific and acting indignant when anyone complains. According to the most current State Department intelligence, the current President is someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.
Culture
The French pride themselves on their culture, although it is not easy to see why. All of their songs sound the same and they have hardly ever made a movie that you want to watch for anything except the nude scenes. Nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel (except perhaps an evening with a French family.)
Cuisine
Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent although it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. American travellers are therefore advised to stick to cheeseburgers at McDonald's or the restaurants at the leading hotels such as Sheraton or Holiday Inn. Bring your own beer, as the domestic varieties are nothing but a poor excuse for such.
Economy
France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's economy in Europe, which is surprising since people hardly ever work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-calibre weaponry, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.
Conclusion
France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if French people didn't inhabit it, and it weren't still radioactive from all the nuclear tests they run. The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not Germany. Remember no one ordered you to go abroad.
Tuesday, March 11, 2003
Signs Found in the UK
Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
’Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.’
In a Laundromat:
’Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.’
In a London department store:
’Bargain Basement upstairs.’
In an office:
’Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.’
In an office:
’After tea breaks staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.'
Outside a secondhand shop:
’We exchange anything – bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?’
Notice in health food shop window:
‘Closed due to illness.'
Spotted in a safari park:
’Elephants, please stay in your car.'
Seen during a conference:
‘For anyone who has children and doesn’t know it, there is day care on the first floor.'
Notice in a field:
’The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.’
Message on a leaflet:
’If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.'
On a repair shop door:
'We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door, the bell doesn’t work).’
’Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.’
In a Laundromat:
’Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.’
In a London department store:
’Bargain Basement upstairs.’
In an office:
’Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.’
In an office:
’After tea breaks staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.'
Outside a secondhand shop:
’We exchange anything – bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?’
Notice in health food shop window:
‘Closed due to illness.'
Spotted in a safari park:
’Elephants, please stay in your car.'
Seen during a conference:
‘For anyone who has children and doesn’t know it, there is day care on the first floor.'
Notice in a field:
’The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.’
Message on a leaflet:
’If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.'
On a repair shop door:
'We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door, the bell doesn’t work).’
Inspirational Posters For The Cubicle Era
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
Doing a job right the first time gets the job done. Doing the job wrong fourteen time gives you job security.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.
Plagiarism saves time.
If at first you don't succeed, try management.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
We waste time, so you don't have to.
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Succeed in spite of management.
Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
Doing a job right the first time gets the job done. Doing the job wrong fourteen time gives you job security.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.
Plagiarism saves time.
If at first you don't succeed, try management.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
We waste time, so you don't have to.
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Succeed in spite of management.
Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
Styles For Better Management
1) MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THAN THE EMPLOYEES
These kind of managers you will always see in the corridor, ten steps away. "We'll have to talk" you can hear them say, just as they have disappeared around the corner.
2) MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW
These managers you usually meet with their backside faced to you with their hands in their pockets. When you talk to them, their thoughts keep staring out of the windows.
3) MANAGING BY POST-IT'S
Some managers forget everything. They want to impress you with their 'busy’-ness by continuously writing on Post-it's while you are talking.
4) MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY
These managers just delegate everything to the secretary. If he is good, he knows what she must do.
5) MANAGING BY KNOWING NOTHING
These managers don't really know anything at all. They let YOU give answers. Meanwhile they fill the time with nice anecdotes of irrelevant cases.
6) MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING
These people try to explain the present from a theoretical view of the far future. The idea that this never will work, completely satisfies them: They will always have something to talk about.
7) MANAGING BY HIDING INFORMATION
Information hiders are aware of the market value of strictly secret kept information. You must be very thankful to get any information at all. Beware of simulants from category 5!
8) MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS
These managers prevent their bosses from creative thinking. Else they got more work to do.
9) MANAGING BY WALKING ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS
In hierarchical organizations you can watch those groups walking in the corridor. The more equal managers are directly followed by the lesser equal managers, and so on.
10) MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS
If you drink beer with them, lunch with them, smile to them and also wear nice suits, nothing can stop your career anymore.
11) MANAGING BY STUDYING
Despite their continual attendances of all kind of studies and congresses, they still belong to category 5. The longer they learn, the further they get from the practice.
12) MANAGING BY CREATING VAGUE OVERHEAD SHEETS
Do you know them? Those sheets with some big arrows, boxes or circles? These sheets provide the ultimate proof of their overall brilliance.
13) MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR AND EMPTY ROOM
This is a major improvement of the older 'OPEN DOOR' management style. Now you can really walk in and out anytime you want. Nobody ever knows where these managers are.
14) MANAGING BY SPEAKING WITH OTHER MANAGERS
This kind of managing is very popular. It will give them within a few hours the same information as an employee can tell them in 15 minutes.
15) MANAGING BY HAVING A NON SUPPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE
In an organization with a hopeless infrastructure, managers are really necessary. These managers will naturally prevent the organization from having a better infrastructure.
16) BUA MANAGEMENT ( BY USING ABBREVIATIONS )
This management style is ATRASACWOC. (Adopted To Reach A Shorter And Clearer Way Of Communication)
17) MANAGING BY USING BUZZ WORDS
These managers like to bluff your head off with hip, nearly undefined terms.
18) MANAGING BY REORGANISATION
If they think there is nothing more to organize, they reorganise.
19) MANAGING BY BELIEVING
These managers must be spiritual educated, because they have no clues at all.
20) MANAGING BY FORGETTING PROMISES
If you remind them to one of their promises, the priority of that promise is too low to remember.
These kind of managers you will always see in the corridor, ten steps away. "We'll have to talk" you can hear them say, just as they have disappeared around the corner.
2) MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW
These managers you usually meet with their backside faced to you with their hands in their pockets. When you talk to them, their thoughts keep staring out of the windows.
3) MANAGING BY POST-IT'S
Some managers forget everything. They want to impress you with their 'busy’-ness by continuously writing on Post-it's while you are talking.
4) MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY
These managers just delegate everything to the secretary. If he is good, he knows what she must do.
5) MANAGING BY KNOWING NOTHING
These managers don't really know anything at all. They let YOU give answers. Meanwhile they fill the time with nice anecdotes of irrelevant cases.
6) MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING
These people try to explain the present from a theoretical view of the far future. The idea that this never will work, completely satisfies them: They will always have something to talk about.
7) MANAGING BY HIDING INFORMATION
Information hiders are aware of the market value of strictly secret kept information. You must be very thankful to get any information at all. Beware of simulants from category 5!
8) MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS
These managers prevent their bosses from creative thinking. Else they got more work to do.
9) MANAGING BY WALKING ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS
In hierarchical organizations you can watch those groups walking in the corridor. The more equal managers are directly followed by the lesser equal managers, and so on.
10) MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS
If you drink beer with them, lunch with them, smile to them and also wear nice suits, nothing can stop your career anymore.
11) MANAGING BY STUDYING
Despite their continual attendances of all kind of studies and congresses, they still belong to category 5. The longer they learn, the further they get from the practice.
12) MANAGING BY CREATING VAGUE OVERHEAD SHEETS
Do you know them? Those sheets with some big arrows, boxes or circles? These sheets provide the ultimate proof of their overall brilliance.
13) MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR AND EMPTY ROOM
This is a major improvement of the older 'OPEN DOOR' management style. Now you can really walk in and out anytime you want. Nobody ever knows where these managers are.
14) MANAGING BY SPEAKING WITH OTHER MANAGERS
This kind of managing is very popular. It will give them within a few hours the same information as an employee can tell them in 15 minutes.
15) MANAGING BY HAVING A NON SUPPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE
In an organization with a hopeless infrastructure, managers are really necessary. These managers will naturally prevent the organization from having a better infrastructure.
16) BUA MANAGEMENT ( BY USING ABBREVIATIONS )
This management style is ATRASACWOC. (Adopted To Reach A Shorter And Clearer Way Of Communication)
17) MANAGING BY USING BUZZ WORDS
These managers like to bluff your head off with hip, nearly undefined terms.
18) MANAGING BY REORGANISATION
If they think there is nothing more to organize, they reorganise.
19) MANAGING BY BELIEVING
These managers must be spiritual educated, because they have no clues at all.
20) MANAGING BY FORGETTING PROMISES
If you remind them to one of their promises, the priority of that promise is too low to remember.
Tuesday, March 04, 2003
Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work
The Astaire
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear The Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the shitter can shit in peace.
The Camo-Cough
A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a Watermelon or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an Astaire.
Courtesy Flush
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the shit log hits the water and the shit is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the shit has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the Walk of Shame.
Crack Whore
A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Telltale signs of a Crack Whore include pubes, piss stains and shit streaks. Avoid a Crack Whore at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget with a good cleaning, a Crack Whore can become a Safe Haven.
Escapee
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing shit in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic and embarrassment, similar to the hot flush you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an Escapee; it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
Fly By
The act of scouting out a bathroom before shitting. Walk in, check for other shitters. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a Frequent Flyer. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
Havana Omelette
A load of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-CoughAstaire.
Jailbreak (Used in conjunction with Escapee)
When forcing a shit, several farts slip out at a machine-gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic; remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
Out-of-the-Closet-Shitter
A colleague who shits at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out-of-the-Closet-Shitter enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out-of-the-Closet-Shitter before entering the bathroom.
Shitting Friends Network
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency shitting goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out-of-the-Closet-Shitters and identify Safe Havens
Safe Haven
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a shitter of your sex entering the bathroom.
Turd Burglars
A shitter who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
Uncle Ted
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
Walk of Shame
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a Courtesy Flush
Watermelon
A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See Camo-Cough.
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear The Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the shitter can shit in peace.
The Camo-Cough
A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a Watermelon or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an Astaire.
Courtesy Flush
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the shit log hits the water and the shit is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the shit has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the Walk of Shame.
Crack Whore
A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Telltale signs of a Crack Whore include pubes, piss stains and shit streaks. Avoid a Crack Whore at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget with a good cleaning, a Crack Whore can become a Safe Haven.
Escapee
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing shit in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic and embarrassment, similar to the hot flush you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an Escapee; it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
Fly By
The act of scouting out a bathroom before shitting. Walk in, check for other shitters. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a Frequent Flyer. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
Havana Omelette
A load of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough
Jailbreak (Used in conjunction with Escapee)
When forcing a shit, several farts slip out at a machine-gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic; remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
Out-of-the-Closet-Shitter
A colleague who shits at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out-of-the-Closet-Shitter enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out-of-the-Closet-Shitter before entering the bathroom.
Shitting Friends Network
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency shitting goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out-of-the-Closet-Shitters and identify Safe Havens
Safe Haven
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a shitter of your sex entering the bathroom.
Turd Burglars
A shitter who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
Uncle Ted
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
Walk of Shame
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a Courtesy Flush
Watermelon
A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See Camo-Cough.
Sacre Bleu the French!
What is the difference between Frenchmen and toast?
You can make soldiers out of toast
Going to war without the French is like going deer-hunting without an accordion.
What do you call a Frenchmen advancing on Iraq?
A salesman
Why was Jesus not born in France?
Because they could not find three wise men nor a virgin
How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, he stands on a ladder and waits for the world to revolve around him.
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
Philippe Flop
What is the best thing about Britain's relationship with France?
The English channel
In the heat of battle, one brave French soldier followed an order from his commanding officer and, under heavy fire from the enemy, managed to retrieve a despatch case from a dead soldier.
When he returned to HQ, the officer told him: "I', recommending you for a medal after the way you risked your life to save those secret maps showing the location of our secret warehouses".
"Warehouses?" replied the soldier. "Sacre bleu. I thought you said whorehouses".
Ninety-nine per cent of French politicians give the rest a bad name.
Advert: French rifle for sale - never fired and dropped only once.
Did you hear about the Parisian who tried to kill himself by jumping into the river?
He was declared to be "in Seine"
What do you call a Frenchman who expects sex on the second date?
Slow
An American tourist was being shown around Notre Dame cathedral in Paris.
The guide pointed to a grand monument and said: "There lies a great French statesman and a hero"
"That's interesting," commented the American, "I never knew that in France you buried two men in the same grave".
Why do the French not want to bomb Saddam?
Because he hates America, has a silly moustache, wear a beret and keeps a string of mistresses.
What's the definition of confusion?
Father's day in Paris
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they hate fast food
What is the Frenchman's favourite morning routine?
After making love, he gets up, dresses, has breakfast - and then heads home.
Recently a Frenchman in Lyon, went to his local priest and confessed: "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During World War II, I hid a Jewish man in my attic."
"That wasn't a sin. It was an act of great kindness," replied the priest.
"But I made him agree to pay me 30 francs for every week he stayed,"
"Well, that was not especially charitable," said the priest "but you did it for a good cause."
"Thank you Father," said the Frenchman "that is a great relief to me. I have just one more question."
"And what is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him that the war is over?"
You can make soldiers out of toast
Going to war without the French is like going deer-hunting without an accordion.
What do you call a Frenchmen advancing on Iraq?
A salesman
Why was Jesus not born in France?
Because they could not find three wise men nor a virgin
How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, he stands on a ladder and waits for the world to revolve around him.
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
Philippe Flop
What is the best thing about Britain's relationship with France?
The English channel
In the heat of battle, one brave French soldier followed an order from his commanding officer and, under heavy fire from the enemy, managed to retrieve a despatch case from a dead soldier.
When he returned to HQ, the officer told him: "I', recommending you for a medal after the way you risked your life to save those secret maps showing the location of our secret warehouses".
"Warehouses?" replied the soldier. "Sacre bleu. I thought you said whorehouses".
Ninety-nine per cent of French politicians give the rest a bad name.
Advert: French rifle for sale - never fired and dropped only once.
Did you hear about the Parisian who tried to kill himself by jumping into the river?
He was declared to be "in Seine"
What do you call a Frenchman who expects sex on the second date?
Slow
An American tourist was being shown around Notre Dame cathedral in Paris.
The guide pointed to a grand monument and said: "There lies a great French statesman and a hero"
"That's interesting," commented the American, "I never knew that in France you buried two men in the same grave".
Why do the French not want to bomb Saddam?
Because he hates America, has a silly moustache, wear a beret and keeps a string of mistresses.
What's the definition of confusion?
Father's day in Paris
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they hate fast food
What is the Frenchman's favourite morning routine?
After making love, he gets up, dresses, has breakfast - and then heads home.
Recently a Frenchman in Lyon, went to his local priest and confessed: "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During World War II, I hid a Jewish man in my attic."
"That wasn't a sin. It was an act of great kindness," replied the priest.
"But I made him agree to pay me 30 francs for every week he stayed,"
"Well, that was not especially charitable," said the priest "but you did it for a good cause."
"Thank you Father," said the Frenchman "that is a great relief to me. I have just one more question."
"And what is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him that the war is over?"
Useful Phrases To Use If Traveling in Pakistan
AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN.
Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
FEKR GABUL CRADAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR.
I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.
AUTO ARREREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH HAST.
It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.
FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN.
If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.
MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLEIEH, GHORBAN.
The red blindfold will be lovely, excellency.
TIEKH NUNEH OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM.
The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.
Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
FEKR GABUL CRADAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR.
I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.
AUTO ARREREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH HAST.
It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.
FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN.
If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.
MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLEIEH, GHORBAN.
The red blindfold will be lovely, excellency.
TIEKH NUNEH OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM.
The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.
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