'Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be
selfish and worry about my liver.' ~ Jack Handy
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and undies.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.' ~ Frank Sinatra
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.' ~ Henny Youngman
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.' ~ Stephen Wright
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!' ~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.' ~ Benjamin
Franklin
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with
pizza.' ~ Dave Barry
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you
love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can! ~ Dave
Howell
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's
how it went:
'Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
WARNING:
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Rugby Story
The other day I was in the pub having a few quiet beers by myself.
The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'9' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.
After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down.
She said ' Hi ', and I said ' Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.
'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked. .
'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'
'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'
I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.
'How do you feel now,' she purred.
' OK' I replied.
Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'
Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, palmed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a Try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'till full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and........ '
" Ahhh...." she growelled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton , and she was wet !!!!
She snapped, 'Well tell me this, Smart Ass : Have you ever felt such a c*nt?'
'I certainly have' I answered, 'I missed the kick.'
The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'9' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.
After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down.
She said ' Hi ', and I said ' Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.
'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked. .
'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'
'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'
I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.
'How do you feel now,' she purred.
' OK' I replied.
Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'
Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, palmed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a Try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'till full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and........ '
" Ahhh...." she growelled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton , and she was wet !!!!
She snapped, 'Well tell me this, Smart Ass : Have you ever felt such a c*nt?'
'I certainly have' I answered, 'I missed the kick.'
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Thoughts on beer...
A handful of 7 year old children were asked
"what they thought of beer"
Some interesting responses, but the last one has a familiar ring ...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7 year old Tim - " I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mum gets."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7 year old Melanie - "Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7 year old Grady - "My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7 year old Toby - "My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7 year old Sarah - "My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7 year old Lilly - "My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7 year old Ethan - "I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7 year old Shirley - "I give Dad's beer to the Dog and he goes to sleep."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7 year old Jack - " My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense."
"what they thought of beer"
Some interesting responses, but the last one has a familiar ring ...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7 year old Tim - " I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mum gets."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7 year old Melanie - "Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7 year old Grady - "My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7 year old Toby - "My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7 year old Sarah - "My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7 year old Lilly - "My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7 year old Ethan - "I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7 year old Shirley - "I give Dad's beer to the Dog and he goes to sleep."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7 year old Jack - " My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense."
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Male vs Female - Asking permission to go out
My guy friends asked me out for a guy night last week and I was made to sign this ...
____________________________________________________
APPLICATION FOR A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Name of Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:_______________________
I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest authority in my life for the following period:
Date:________ Time of departure:__________
Time of return NOT to exceed:________
Should permission be granted, I do solemnly swear to only visit the locations stated below, at the stated times. I agree to refrain from hitting on or flirting with other women. I shall not even speak to another female, except as expressly permitted in writing below. I will not turn off my cell after two pints, nor shall I consume above the allowed volume of alcohol without first phoning for a taxi AND calling you for a verbal waiver of said alcohol allowance. I understand that even if permission is granted to go out, my girlfriend/fiancé/wife retains the right to be pissed off with me the following week for no valid reason whatsoever.
Amount of alcohol allowed (units)
Beer _____ Wine ______ Liquor ______ Total ______
Locations to be visited1: ___________ From:________ To:_________
Locations to be visited2: ___________ From:________ To:_________
Females with whom conversation is permitted: __________
IMPORTANT – STRIPPER CLAUSE: Not with standing the female contact permitted above, I promise to refrain from coming within one hundred (100) feet of a stripper or exotic dancer. Violation of this Stripper Clause shall be grounds for immediate termination of the relationship.
I acknowledge my position in life. I know who wears the trousers in our relationship, and I agree it’s not me. I promise to abide by your rules & regulations. I understand that this is going to cost me a fortune in diamonds & flowers. You reserve the right to obtain and use my credit cards whenever you wish to do so. I hereby promise to take you on an unlimited shopping spree, should I not return home by the approved time. On my way home, I will not pick a fight with any stranger, nor shall I conduct in depth discussions with the said entity. Upon my return home, I promise not to urinate anywhere other than in the toilet. In addition, I will refrain from waking you up, breathing my vile breath in your face, and attempting to breed like a (drunken) rabbit.
I declare that to the best of my knowledge (of which I have none compared to my BETTER half), the above information is correct.
Signed - Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband: ________________
Request is: APPROVED ___ DENIED ____
This decision is not negotiable. If approved, cut permission slip below and carry at all times.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
(Cut along the dotted line)
Permission for my boyfriend/fiancé/husband to be away for the following period of time:
Date:_______ Time of departure:________ Time of return:________
Signed – Girlfriend/Fiancé/Wife: __________
________________________________________________________
Just now, she told me that she will be going to Luna with her friends next week and I asked her to sign the same form that she got for me. And she passed me this ....
scroll down for form details ...
________________________________________________________
APPLICATION FOR A NIGHT OUT WITH THE GIRLS
Name of Girlfriend/Fiancé/Partner/Wife:________________
I’m going out.
Note: This is a computer auto-generated document which does not require signature.
_________________________________________________
____________________________________________________
APPLICATION FOR A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Name of Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:_______________________
I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest authority in my life for the following period:
Date:________ Time of departure:__________
Time of return NOT to exceed:________
Should permission be granted, I do solemnly swear to only visit the locations stated below, at the stated times. I agree to refrain from hitting on or flirting with other women. I shall not even speak to another female, except as expressly permitted in writing below. I will not turn off my cell after two pints, nor shall I consume above the allowed volume of alcohol without first phoning for a taxi AND calling you for a verbal waiver of said alcohol allowance. I understand that even if permission is granted to go out, my girlfriend/fiancé/wife retains the right to be pissed off with me the following week for no valid reason whatsoever.
Amount of alcohol allowed (units)
Beer _____ Wine ______ Liquor ______ Total ______
Locations to be visited1: ___________ From:________ To:_________
Locations to be visited2: ___________ From:________ To:_________
Females with whom conversation is permitted: __________
IMPORTANT – STRIPPER CLAUSE: Not with standing the female contact permitted above, I promise to refrain from coming within one hundred (100) feet of a stripper or exotic dancer. Violation of this Stripper Clause shall be grounds for immediate termination of the relationship.
I acknowledge my position in life. I know who wears the trousers in our relationship, and I agree it’s not me. I promise to abide by your rules & regulations. I understand that this is going to cost me a fortune in diamonds & flowers. You reserve the right to obtain and use my credit cards whenever you wish to do so. I hereby promise to take you on an unlimited shopping spree, should I not return home by the approved time. On my way home, I will not pick a fight with any stranger, nor shall I conduct in depth discussions with the said entity. Upon my return home, I promise not to urinate anywhere other than in the toilet. In addition, I will refrain from waking you up, breathing my vile breath in your face, and attempting to breed like a (drunken) rabbit.
I declare that to the best of my knowledge (of which I have none compared to my BETTER half), the above information is correct.
Signed - Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband: ________________
Request is: APPROVED ___ DENIED ____
This decision is not negotiable. If approved, cut permission slip below and carry at all times.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
(Cut along the dotted line)
Permission for my boyfriend/fiancé/husband to be away for the following period of time:
Date:_______ Time of departure:________ Time of return:________
Signed – Girlfriend/Fiancé/Wife: __________
________________________________________________________
Just now, she told me that she will be going to Luna with her friends next week and I asked her to sign the same form that she got for me. And she passed me this ....
scroll down for form details ...
________________________________________________________
APPLICATION FOR A NIGHT OUT WITH THE GIRLS
Name of Girlfriend/Fiancé/Partner/Wife:________________
I’m going out.
Note: This is a computer auto-generated document which does not require signature.
_________________________________________________
Friday, January 18, 2008
Almost a year...
...since my last post so better get one in before the cobwebs really creep in!
Turns out some people actually check on this site to see what's happening so when I'm bored I may write some post dated tales...
Right plan of action at the moment is heading to the Terrorist to see off some lads then heading to the airport tomorrow; Sydney to Hanoi, (Vietnam mum). Spending a week and a bit there with work.
I've visited Hanoi before and had an absolute blast so looking forward to this trip although the flights look horrendous due to last minute booking and availability, Sydney to Brisbane to Kuala Lumpur to Hanoi, then down to Saigon/Ho Chi Minh for a couple of days and back up to Hanoi... Perhaps a good opportunity to follow up on my tales of the last year...
Ciao for now
Turns out some people actually check on this site to see what's happening so when I'm bored I may write some post dated tales...
Right plan of action at the moment is heading to the Terrorist to see off some lads then heading to the airport tomorrow; Sydney to Hanoi, (Vietnam mum). Spending a week and a bit there with work.
I've visited Hanoi before and had an absolute blast so looking forward to this trip although the flights look horrendous due to last minute booking and availability, Sydney to Brisbane to Kuala Lumpur to Hanoi, then down to Saigon/Ho Chi Minh for a couple of days and back up to Hanoi... Perhaps a good opportunity to follow up on my tales of the last year...
Ciao for now
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