The Meaning of Life

The meaning of life...

...it should be backwards!

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What’s that, a bonus?!?
I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way.
Then you go live in an old age home. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, and you get ready for High School.
You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back, you spend your last 9 months floating with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, then you finish off as an orgasm!!
Amen

Nelson Mandela

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when
he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a
little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, 'You Sign! You
sign!!

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man
Starts to get louder. 'You Sign! You sign!'

Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man',and shuts
the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it,the
Little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts
his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling 'You sign! You sign!'

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little
Chinese man back, shouting: 'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I
don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he
hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same
little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting 'You
sign! You sign!' Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man
By his shirt front and yells at him; 'Look, I don't want these! Do you
understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these
to?'
The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his
clipboard, and says:




'You not Nissan Main Dealer?

Why you should never try to catch your man out!

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.
The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He protested but she argued, said she was going to take some painkillers and go to bed.
So he took his costume away and went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for a while, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party.
As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching him.
She soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor dancing with loads of women, flirting, kissing and copping a few sly feels.
His wife went up to him, and being a seductive babe herself, he devoted himself to her, unaware of who she was.
She let him go as far as he wished since he was her husband, and they ended up having intercourse in the back seat of a car.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home and put the costume away, getting into bed and wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his outrageous behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked how the evening went.
He replied, "Actually I never even danced one dance. When I got there I met Peter, Bill and some other guys so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening".
She sarcastically said "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night", to which the husband replied




"I gave my costume to your Dad and apparently he had the time of his life"

Stevie Wonder

Stevie Wonder has just finished a sell-out concert in Japan and after the applause has died down he asks the crowd if there's anything they'd like him to play.
This little Japanese fella at the front is jumping up and down, shouting and waving his arms like a madman and Stevie asks him what he'd like him to play.
He shouts "Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord" so Stevie belts out a 2 minute solo in F minor on his piano and the crowd are in raptures.
"No, No" he shouts "play a jazz chord, play ajazz chord".
A little bit bemused Stevie does a 3 minute impromptu in A major and gets the crowd rocking.
The little fella shouts "No, No, I want you to play a jazz chord".
Stevie gives in and says "how does that go then?" To which he replies.....































"A jazz chord to say I ruv you!"