The meaning of life...
...it should be backwards!
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What’s that, a bonus?!?
I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way.
Then you go live in an old age home. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, and you get ready for High School.
You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back, you spend your last 9 months floating with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, then you finish off as an orgasm!!
Amen
Friday, October 08, 2004
Saturday, October 02, 2004
Nelson Mandela
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when
he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a
little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, 'You Sign! You
sign!!
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man
Starts to get louder. 'You Sign! You sign!'
Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man',and shuts
the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it,the
Little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts
his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling 'You sign! You sign!'
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little
Chinese man back, shouting: 'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I
don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he
hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same
little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting 'You
sign! You sign!' Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.
This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man
By his shirt front and yells at him; 'Look, I don't want these! Do you
understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these
to?'
The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his
clipboard, and says:
'You not Nissan Main Dealer?
he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a
little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, 'You Sign! You
sign!!
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man
Starts to get louder. 'You Sign! You sign!'
Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man',and shuts
the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it,the
Little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts
his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling 'You sign! You sign!'
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little
Chinese man back, shouting: 'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I
don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he
hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same
little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting 'You
sign! You sign!' Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.
This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man
By his shirt front and yells at him; 'Look, I don't want these! Do you
understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these
to?'
The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his
clipboard, and says:
'You not Nissan Main Dealer?
Friday, October 01, 2004
Why you should never try to catch your man out!
A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.
The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He protested but she argued, said she was going to take some painkillers and go to bed.
So he took his costume away and went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for a while, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party.
As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching him.
She soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor dancing with loads of women, flirting, kissing and copping a few sly feels.
His wife went up to him, and being a seductive babe herself, he devoted himself to her, unaware of who she was.
She let him go as far as he wished since he was her husband, and they ended up having intercourse in the back seat of a car.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home and put the costume away, getting into bed and wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his outrageous behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked how the evening went.
He replied, "Actually I never even danced one dance. When I got there I met Peter, Bill and some other guys so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening".
She sarcastically said "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night", to which the husband replied
"I gave my costume to your Dad and apparently he had the time of his life"
The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He protested but she argued, said she was going to take some painkillers and go to bed.
So he took his costume away and went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for a while, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party.
As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching him.
She soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor dancing with loads of women, flirting, kissing and copping a few sly feels.
His wife went up to him, and being a seductive babe herself, he devoted himself to her, unaware of who she was.
She let him go as far as he wished since he was her husband, and they ended up having intercourse in the back seat of a car.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home and put the costume away, getting into bed and wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his outrageous behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked how the evening went.
He replied, "Actually I never even danced one dance. When I got there I met Peter, Bill and some other guys so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening".
She sarcastically said "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night", to which the husband replied
"I gave my costume to your Dad and apparently he had the time of his life"
Stevie Wonder
Stevie Wonder has just finished a sell-out concert in Japan and after the applause has died down he asks the crowd if there's anything they'd like him to play.
This little Japanese fella at the front is jumping up and down, shouting and waving his arms like a madman and Stevie asks him what he'd like him to play.
He shouts "Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord" so Stevie belts out a 2 minute solo in F minor on his piano and the crowd are in raptures.
"No, No" he shouts "play a jazz chord, play ajazz chord".
A little bit bemused Stevie does a 3 minute impromptu in A major and gets the crowd rocking.
The little fella shouts "No, No, I want you to play a jazz chord".
Stevie gives in and says "how does that go then?" To which he replies.....
"A jazz chord to say I ruv you!"
This little Japanese fella at the front is jumping up and down, shouting and waving his arms like a madman and Stevie asks him what he'd like him to play.
He shouts "Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord" so Stevie belts out a 2 minute solo in F minor on his piano and the crowd are in raptures.
"No, No" he shouts "play a jazz chord, play ajazz chord".
A little bit bemused Stevie does a 3 minute impromptu in A major and gets the crowd rocking.
The little fella shouts "No, No, I want you to play a jazz chord".
Stevie gives in and says "how does that go then?" To which he replies.....
"A jazz chord to say I ruv you!"
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
Worms
Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.
So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from this experiment."
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.
So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from this experiment."
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."
Friday, September 17, 2004
The Homeless Man
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for to buy some food.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of food?
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble, the homeless man said. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?", the man persisted.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.
The man replied, "That's okay".
"I just want her to see what a man looks like after he's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex".
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of food?
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble, the homeless man said. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?", the man persisted.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.
The man replied, "That's okay".
"I just want her to see what a man looks like after he's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex".
Friday, September 10, 2004
25 things that make you feel like a man...
1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.
2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.
3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.
4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.
5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish noisy destruction.
6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.
7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.
10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".
11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. One Handed with a pencil on the ear? Superb.
12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.
13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.
14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.
16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how hard you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.
18, TAKING OUT £500 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight to the point."alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George it is then. Seven. See ya."
20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time.
21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".
23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"
24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's right, i'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized sh#t.
25, CALLING YOUR MATE A C**T - and punching him on the shoulder. Just a man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while you were in hospital".
2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.
3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.
4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.
5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish noisy destruction.
6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.
7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.
10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".
11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. One Handed with a pencil on the ear? Superb.
12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.
13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.
14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.
16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how hard you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.
18, TAKING OUT £500 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight to the point."alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George it is then. Seven. See ya."
20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time.
21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".
23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"
24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's right, i'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized sh#t.
25, CALLING YOUR MATE A C**T - and punching him on the shoulder. Just a man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while you were in hospital".
Thursday, September 02, 2004
Office Lingo
The words we've been waiting for!
Essential NEW WORDS FOR 2004 editions for the work-place vocabulary.
TESTICULATING
Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.
BLAMESTORMING
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, cr*ps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
CUBE FARM
An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on. (This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.)
MOUSE POTATO
The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
SITCOMs
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".
STRESS PUPPY
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
XEROX SUBSIDY
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
ERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE
The fine art of whacking the cr*p out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" needless paperwork
and processes.
404
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
OHNOSECOND
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')
WOOFies
Well Off Older Folk.
CROP DUSTING
Surreptitiously f*rting while passing through a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING.
Essential NEW WORDS FOR 2004 editions for the work-place vocabulary.
TESTICULATING
Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.
BLAMESTORMING
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, cr*ps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
CUBE FARM
An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on. (This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.)
MOUSE POTATO
The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
SITCOMs
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".
STRESS PUPPY
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
XEROX SUBSIDY
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
ERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE
The fine art of whacking the cr*p out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" needless paperwork
and processes.
404
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
OHNOSECOND
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')
WOOFies
Well Off Older Folk.
CROP DUSTING
Surreptitiously f*rting while passing through a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING.
Friday, August 20, 2004
Cornwall Floods
England have won a gold medal in the Olympics for Whitewater rafting.
Two men from Cornwall won in a transit van...
Two men from Cornwall won in a transit van...
Friday, April 02, 2004
Injuries in Rugby
Our club physio posted this on the club site:
I have just received my quarterly issue of Sport Ex. Medicine (issue 19) and thought u may find the following summary interesting for those of you who have suffered injury this season…
The average injury rate in rugby union in the UK is 3 injuries per game.
Injuries occur in the following major areas…
Scrummaging:
The majority of scrummaging injuries occur during the engagement. When the two packs come together, forces may reach two thirds of a ton. These forces are dissipated through the limbs, shoulders and spine. Postural muscles of the trunk and back are placed under great physical demand.
Even when well directed, the level of forces have the potential to lead to chronic degeneration of the musculo-skeletal structures of the spine due to repeated compression.
Tackling:
Tackling is a high-risk activity, with more injuries occurring in head on tackles than those from the side or behind. The head and neck followed by the knee are the most commonly injured sites of the body. More injuries occur during collision of players as opposed to impact with the hard ground during winter. There also appears to be similar injury rates between tackler and ball carrier. Often it is the slower moving player who comes off worst in a head on collision.
Rucking and Malling:
When a player is tackled, and on the ground, there is very high risk for contact injuries to occur. There is little more scientific findings on this area of play.
Open Play / Running:
During the course of the game, a player may cover a distance of between 5km and 10km with about a third made up from each of walking, jogging and running. Sprinting usually is in bursts of 5 to 15 seconds.
Running is rarely in straight lines, so injuries often occur to hip abductor and rotator muscles. Non-contact injuries to the ankle and knee ligaments are common, and this is enhanced if the grip between the studded boot and the ground is excessive.
After lactic acid build up during times of inactivity coupled with sprinting, muscle tears are common to the lower limbs.
Kicking:
Kicking involves a ballistic chain of open chain recruitment from the ankle, knee, hip and trunk. The hamstrings, quads and lower back is under particular strain.
Regards,
TA
Re: Injuries in Rugby
By: Professor H. Wolf On: 31/03/04 08:23 AM (#2) [Reply]
in the next issue of this respected journal there will be an article on the statistical likelihood of injury from bar-diving, flaming toilet paper games, recovering turned-over golfballs, touching clubhouse ceilings, climbing up sunshine mountains, wedgies, carpet burns, and low-flying christmas trees.
But at the end of the day, you're more likely to get hurt crossing the road, especially if you're walking home from the club.
I have just received my quarterly issue of Sport Ex. Medicine (issue 19) and thought u may find the following summary interesting for those of you who have suffered injury this season…
The average injury rate in rugby union in the UK is 3 injuries per game.
Injuries occur in the following major areas…
Scrummaging:
The majority of scrummaging injuries occur during the engagement. When the two packs come together, forces may reach two thirds of a ton. These forces are dissipated through the limbs, shoulders and spine. Postural muscles of the trunk and back are placed under great physical demand.
Even when well directed, the level of forces have the potential to lead to chronic degeneration of the musculo-skeletal structures of the spine due to repeated compression.
Tackling:
Tackling is a high-risk activity, with more injuries occurring in head on tackles than those from the side or behind. The head and neck followed by the knee are the most commonly injured sites of the body. More injuries occur during collision of players as opposed to impact with the hard ground during winter. There also appears to be similar injury rates between tackler and ball carrier. Often it is the slower moving player who comes off worst in a head on collision.
Rucking and Malling:
When a player is tackled, and on the ground, there is very high risk for contact injuries to occur. There is little more scientific findings on this area of play.
Open Play / Running:
During the course of the game, a player may cover a distance of between 5km and 10km with about a third made up from each of walking, jogging and running. Sprinting usually is in bursts of 5 to 15 seconds.
Running is rarely in straight lines, so injuries often occur to hip abductor and rotator muscles. Non-contact injuries to the ankle and knee ligaments are common, and this is enhanced if the grip between the studded boot and the ground is excessive.
After lactic acid build up during times of inactivity coupled with sprinting, muscle tears are common to the lower limbs.
Kicking:
Kicking involves a ballistic chain of open chain recruitment from the ankle, knee, hip and trunk. The hamstrings, quads and lower back is under particular strain.
Regards,
TA
Re: Injuries in Rugby
By: Professor H. Wolf On: 31/03/04 08:23 AM (#2) [Reply]
in the next issue of this respected journal there will be an article on the statistical likelihood of injury from bar-diving, flaming toilet paper games, recovering turned-over golfballs, touching clubhouse ceilings, climbing up sunshine mountains, wedgies, carpet burns, and low-flying christmas trees.
But at the end of the day, you're more likely to get hurt crossing the road, especially if you're walking home from the club.
Tuesday, March 02, 2004
Barts Chalkboard
Here is a sippet at bart's chalkboard;
I will not carve gods.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless I'm sick
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
My name is not Dr. Death.
I will not defame New Orleans.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not bring sheep to class.
A burp is not an answer.
Teacher is not a leper.
Coffee is not for kids.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.
The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
I will not call the principal "spud head".
Goldfish don't bounce.
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
No one is interested in my underpants.
I will not sell miracle cures.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
I will never win an emmy.
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
I am not deliciously saucy.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan".
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
There are plenty of businesses like show business.
I will not re-transmit without the express permission of MajorLeague Baseball.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
I will not waste chalk.
I will not skateboard in the halls.
I will not instigate revolution.
I will not draw naked ladies in class.
I did not see Elvis.
I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes".
Garlic gum is not funny.
They are laughing at me, not with me.
I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom.
I will not encourage others to fly.
I will not fake my way through life.
Tar is not a plaything.
I will not Xerox my butt.
It's potato, not potatoe.
I will not trade pants with others.
I am not a 32 year old woman.
I will not do that thing with my tongue.
I will not drive the principal's car.
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.
I will not sell school property.
I will not burp in class.
I will not cut corners.
I will not get very far with this attitude.
I will not belch the National Anthem.
I will not sell land in Florida.
I will not grease the monkey bars.
I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.
I will not do anything bad ever again.
I will not show off.
I will not sleep through my education.
I am not a dentist.
Spitwads are not free speech.
Nobody likes sunburn slappers.
High explosives and school don't mix.
I will not bribe Principal Skinner.
I will not squeak chalk.
I will finish what I sta...
"Bart Bucks" are not legal tender.
Underwear should be worn on the inside.
The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
I will not torment the emotionally frail.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless I'm sick
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
My name is not Dr. Death.
I will not defame New Orleans.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not bring sheep to class.
A burp is not an answer.
Teacher is not a leper.
Coffee is not for kids.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.
The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
I will not call the principal "spud head".
Goldfish don't bounce.
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
No one is interested in my underpants.
I will not sell miracle cures.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
I will never win an emmy.
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
I am not deliciously saucy.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan".
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
There are plenty of businesses like show business.
I will not re-transmit without the express permission of MajorLeague Baseball.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
I will not waste chalk.
I will not skateboard in the halls.
I will not instigate revolution.
I will not draw naked ladies in class.
I did not see Elvis.
I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes".
Garlic gum is not funny.
They are laughing at me, not with me.
I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom.
I will not encourage others to fly.
I will not fake my way through life.
Tar is not a plaything.
I will not Xerox my butt.
It's potato, not potatoe.
I will not trade pants with others.
I am not a 32 year old woman.
I will not do that thing with my tongue.
I will not drive the principal's car.
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.
I will not sell school property.
I will not burp in class.
I will not cut corners.
I will not get very far with this attitude.
I will not belch the National Anthem.
I will not sell land in Florida.
I will not grease the monkey bars.
I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.
I will not do anything bad ever again.
I will not show off.
I will not sleep through my education.
I am not a dentist.
Spitwads are not free speech.
Nobody likes sunburn slappers.
High explosives and school don't mix.
I will not bribe Principal Skinner.
I will not squeak chalk.
I will finish what I sta...
"Bart Bucks" are not legal tender.
Underwear should be worn on the inside.
The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
I will not torment the emotionally frail.
Thursday, January 22, 2004
Statistics
Not sure who said all of these, I know Benjamin Disraeli starts us off, but I like them anyways...
There are lies, damn lies and statistics.
Statistics are used the same as a drunk uses a lamp post.
More for support rather than illumination.
Statistics are like bikinis;
What they reveal is interesting,
What they conceal is vital.
There are lies, damn lies and statistics.
Statistics are used the same as a drunk uses a lamp post.
More for support rather than illumination.
Statistics are like bikinis;
What they reveal is interesting,
What they conceal is vital.
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
Dr Death
I heard Wakefield prisons boxing team were gutted about the passing of Dr Shipman, apparently he had a 'Lethal Jab'!!!!
Every week in Wakefield Prison they have a curry night, Harold had just finished off his Chicken Madras when a guard approached him.
"How was your curry Dr Shipman?"
"Great" Harold replies "But I could have murdered a nan..."
What do Gareth Gates and Dr Shipman have in common?
Neither of them can finish a sentence!
Every week in Wakefield Prison they have a curry night, Harold had just finished off his Chicken Madras when a guard approached him.
"How was your curry Dr Shipman?"
"Great" Harold replies "But I could have murdered a nan..."
What do Gareth Gates and Dr Shipman have in common?
Neither of them can finish a sentence!
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